Trust

Christmas brought twinkling lights, pretty ornaments, presents under the tree, stockings full of goodies and good smells from the kitchen. Christmas came as it always does and it wasn't that much different from Christmas stateside. Sure there were no candle light Christmas Eve services, no Christmas cantatas, no extended family (well, if you don't count Skype), no Christmas carolers, no rush to beat the crowds at Walmart, no... But it came as it does every year. Christmas is one of those things we can trust will be there every year. It is the holiday that children start looking forward to the day after Christmas, and the parents also recognize, the day after Christmas, that they better start saving for next year's big day, because it's coming with all it's wonder and fun, hustle and bustle. It will be there. We can trust that fact. I have spent a lot of time this Christmas season thinking about trust, steadfastness, hope, fullness of joy.

About a month ago, we found out we were pregnant for the second time. We were thrilled! It seemed to be the perfect time to be pregnant. It would mean that we would be able to have the baby while we were stateside next year and that our precious family would all be there to welcome the arrival of our new little baby. Our hope of this fact began to be crushed over two weeks ago. We had many ultrasounds and blood tests to check the pregnancy hormone in my blood and things weren't looking good. It looked as if we may not carry this baby to term, and then my levels went up and I was sure everything was going to be ok. The Lord had answered our prayer! But the doctor told me my levels had not risen enough and that it could be a hetero-ectopic pregnancy (one normal pregnancy, one tubal pregnancy), but that neither would survive. She had me meet with the surgeon who would do the operation if indeed I had a tubal pregnancy. To make a very long and emotional story short, the doctors told me Monday night, 4 days before Christmas, that I would miscarry in the next few days, and as sure as Christmas came, so did the miscarriage of this little life.

There has been a rising and falling of emotions all week. Of course we have been sad, and at times overwhelmed with grief that we will not meet this precious baby in 8 months, but then there has been comfort, hope, joy. There is comfort in the knowing our Lord, the one who holds life in His hands, the one who creates and sustains, the one who loves us with an everlasting love. He is our Savior. He has called us by name. We are His. There is comfort in knowing that He knows me altogether. I have committed Psalm 139 to memory over the last couple of months, and His words to me in this chapter are so full of hope. He has not only hedged me behind and before and laid His hand upon me, but He has also hedged our unborn baby behind and before. He has laid His hand upon it. His thoughts are precious toward it. They are too many to count. That I can trust. He, my great Savior and Sustainer, is more trustworthy than the coming of Christmas. He is steadfast. He is good, and all that He is does is good even if we don't understand it at the time. I can hope in and abide in Him and there is fullness of joy there, in His presence.

Pray for us. Pray that our focus will be on our Lord and not our loss. Pray that we will remember His goodness and that we will trust Him. He is faithful and worthy of praise.