When the Wind is Real

It was Jesus who had put the disciples in the boat and sent them off. He dismissed the crowds and went to have a prayer retreat with His Father. Later as he came to them on the water, they were afraid.  They couldn't see. It wasn't clear. Was it Jesus or was it a ghost? Jesus assures them, "Take heart it is I. Do not be afraid." Peter, being the bold little rascal that he was, says "Jesus, if it's you, call me, and I will come to you." He was testing even though he had only just heard the voice of his Lord. Jesus graciously assured him, saying, "Come."

And so, Peter did. There was no time to sit around and think about the impossibility of walking on water. No. He had to move. He had heard the voice of his Lord. He got out of the boat, going to his Lord, his teacher, his friend, the one he knew to be the Messiah. His feet hit the water, his faith carried him a few feet and then things got real. He "saw the wind" and started sinking. He was afraid, and his fear trumped his faith.

He had just seen Jesus turn 5 loaves and 2 fish into a feast for 5,000 people. He even walked around picking up the leftovers, probably in awe of what he had just seen. Then on the boat, he heard the voice and saw this caring, hungry-feeding, miracle worker walking on the waves in spite of the wind that had him and his friends beaten. He had his eyes set on Jesus, the author and perfecter of his faith. And he, too, was walking on water. Until he saw the reason to fear. "Jesus, save me." he cried. Jesus, of course, did. He saved him. And as they began to get back into the boat, Jesus cut straight to Peter's heart. "Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?" The story ends with the winds ceasing and his disciples worshipping, saying, "Truly, you are the Son of God."

We have those moments, don't we? Moments when we, like Peter, say to Jesus, almost like a dare, "Tell me to come and you better believe I'll do it." We laugh at the impossibility of walking on water because, after all, ours is the God who made that water. We are overcome with love for our King Jesus and we just want to be near him, to obey him, to walk with him. Whatever. Wherever. However.  And so we say big lofty things like "God I love you, and I will sell everything I have. I will rip my kids from their home. I will follow you into the fire, into raging waters, into war-striken countries, into the land with no internet and no electricity (gasp!)." Our hearts leap. "He is worth it!!! Jesus is better!" we say. And then just as our feet catch up with our heart...

It gets real.

We feel the water beneath our feet and it feels terrifying. We see the wind, and all of a sudden our faith isn't enough. Sure, we still believe He is the God of raging waters, and sure, we want to give Him... something. But not everything. Not every practicality. Not every 'sensible' thing that we cling to so tightly. Not our kids and their right to a healthy, happy American-dream home. No. Not comfort in language and cultural acquisition. Not stability. Our faith begins to sink and our heart follows.  I can serve you right here, God. There is a huge need here. Why would I move now? You, the God of peace, wouldn't want me to forsake this place where our family is at peace. No! Surely, I heard you wrong. You didn't say come to me on the water. Nope, cause that's just crazy! It makes no sense." And before we know it, we are caught up in a wave and crumbling beneath the weight of it.

Over the last few months, this story has been replaying over and over in my heart and mind. I have talked with dear friends about how very much I can relate to Peter. I, like Peter, have seen His miracles. I have seen His hand work and move in ways that can only be explained as coming from the Son of God. I have walked along gathering leftovers from the great feast that He has prepared before those He is calling out of darkness.  I have done as he said and have gotten in the boat. I have felt beaten and bruised by the winds of this work, this life, this mission. And then I have heard him out on the waters saying, "Don't be afraid. Take heart. It is I." If it's you Lord, make it clear to me. I think it's you, but just make it clear. Make me sure. Tell me to come to you. I have heard His voice so clearly, and I have stepped out.  I have drawn near to him, but then I saw the fierce wind! All around me. Unescapable and I have begun to sink.

And his voice gently booms once again, "I control the wind, too. So why did you doubt?"

He beckons me come to Him, even still. He lets me hold His hand. He becomes even nearer to me than I had ever known before. He remains faithful to His promise to give me peace. He calms my heart and steadies my feet. He gives grace and restores my faith in Him. And I say without a doubt, "Truly you are the Son of God, the Sovereign Lord, my Lord, and I will trust you with it all." The winds cease and the worship begins, all because He is there, knowing my wicked faithless heart, but promising to remain faithful to me anyway. Through it all, I have grown to know Him a little better. I've learned to recognize His voice a little clearer. I've learned to hold His hand a little tighter, to lean into Him, to trust Him, to let Him lead me from faith to faith.

I still see the wind. It's hasn't ceased, yet. I feel it, and the enemy would have me crumble beneath it as I prepare to forsake comforts and lay down my life and the lives of my kids, once again. I am weaker and more broken-hearted than I have been in a long time, maybe ever. I want to run. But I will stay clenched in his mighty right hand. Ready and willing to obey Him because He is worth it! This process of daily having to get out of the boat, to take up my cross, with the wind in my face, is one of the most painful things I have ever done. But I know I heard His voice, and it is a voice I can trust. That voice may lead me into the waves, but He will be there, refining me, growing me, making me keenly aware of how weak I am, but how very great and good He is. His grace is sufficient. His power made perfect in my weakness. O for grace to trust Him more...

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus. 

Just to take Him at His Word

Just to rest upon His promise

Just to know, Thus saith the Lord

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. 

How I've proved Him o're and over.

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

O for grace to trust Him more.

I'm so glad that I can trust Him

Precious Savior, Closest Friend

And I know that Thou are with me,

Will be with me till the end.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him

How I've proved Him o'er and over.

Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus

O for grace to trust Him more.